Let’s start with the premise that Netflix’s Love is Blind is both sublimely asinine and a worthy anthropological spectacle. We viewers might never participate in a show like this, but there is something to be gleaned about relationships and ourselves from watching. Each of us is represented on that screen in some form.
Courtesy, Netflix
This is the type of show that elicits audience commentary. If you are watching and not yelling back at the TV, you’re not really watching. As a married woman in her early 40s, these are the points I have screamed from my sofa during the first six episodes (no spoilers here):
- Blankets: The excessive use of blankets feels on par with the excessive amount of crying—and both paint a picture of the level of maturity each contestant brings to the table. No, really, the number of blankets and the persistent swaddling is distracting. Why is everyone cuddling up under blankets or walking around with them draped over their shoulders? Why is it so cold in there? Are these blankets being washed? Is this rehab or group therapy? Looking at a grown man in a tank top with a plush velour blanket on his lap raises the question: Maybe just put a sweatshirt on? If we’re watching a movie in the winter, by all means, snuggle up and get cozy. But in all other instances, my lap is not getting warm for Linus.
- Vocal fry: I have to believe that the ladies on the show are reality TV viewers themselves. They should know how silly and intolerable women sound when they adopt vocal fry. It is very much a choice. It is also a very Charlotte thing to do—mimicking qualities in others perceived to be attractive recipients of attention.
- A note to the seemingly harmless Trevor: You lament judgment of your muscles and mullet, but these are two physical factors within your control. And the ones you’ve worked to achieve, my friend, are statements. High-volume proclamations even. It’s yelling: I am investing an incredible amount of time and supplements running from something within me in order to have these unnaturally massive, veiny calves. Women are not judging you; they are simply receiving the message you are shouting from the hair dusting on top of your oversized trapezius.
- Jessica as Emily Maynard: If I were a betting woman, I would wager that the Bachelor/Bachelorette producers have audition tapes on Jessica. As a fellow Charlottean and hot, single mom, I imagine that Jess has Emily Maynard on a vision board somewhere and has sought to follow her transcendence into the pop culture, reality-star-celebrity zeitgeist. Hence, when experiencing rejection, her reaction was outsized. She was not simply being rejected by a man; it was a crumbling of a planned public persona and future life. But more on that in points #10 and #11.
- Is Matthew a Charlotte-specific breed? While all the front-runner men this season showcase much of what you’ll find in the Charlotte scene, Matthew might be unique to our Southern metropolis. Like the actor/waiter is to Los Angeles, the hot-and-cold, blue-and-khaki, ineptly awkward-until-mildly charming, gaslighting finance guy is a Charlotte archetype.
- Love or Love Drunk? It’s clear that the cast believes that love is a feeling. That’s why so many tearfully proclaimed it in a mere matter of days. At one point, Jessica said through sobs, “I love him so much. That electric feeling … What else would you call that?” I don’t know—lust, hormones, hope, projection, giddiness? For those in the cast still in their 20s, this is a forgivable delusion. But for those already in their 30s (Laura, AD, Chelsea, Matthew, Clay, Trevor, Jeramey), your brains have been fully formed for at least five years. It’s time to rise to the occasion of being grown and knowing better. Love is a verb, and its action is putting someone else’s best interest before your own desires.
- CPAPs: The wise Dr. Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (AD, I’m looking at you and you know I am looking at you because you are one of the wisest of this bunch.) But when someone tells you who they are, or in this case, tells you they have major sleep apnea and require a CPAP machine—but don’t always wear it—this is when you bow out, Laura. It is only once you love someone and are trapped by deep feelings, children, or matrimony, that you willingly proceed with the menacing sleep carnage that is snoring in any form. To be forewarned prior to any legal, financial, or biological entanglements and to proceed any way is either naivete or insanity, and Laura is simply too cunning to claim anything but the latter.
- Journey Synonyms: As I watch this show, I need the cast to hit the thesaurus and find some new words for “journey.” And “process” is out too. How about odyssey, pilgrimage, quest, sojourn, or expedition? Do those sound too ridiculous? Well, so does the use of “journey” to describe dating. This is a reality show, not the Iditarod.
- The Right Questions Cannot Be Answered in a Pod: As a person who has been in several long-term relationships and now married for over 11 years, here are some of the mandatory questions one must uncover that cannot be determined in a pod:
- How does this person treat a waiter?
- How are they at waiting in a line?
- How are they when dealing with slow Wi-Fi?
- How much time do they spend in the bathroom in a given day?
- How do they smell on the daily?
- Who are their friends?
- What do they do when their parents criticize you?
- Angry Rejection: If during the courting/getting-to-know-you process, a person decides that what they are getting to know isn’t for them and they have the courtesy to share that feedback, a healthy, secure person will react the way a civilized job applicant might to learning they did not receive the position. If a job applicant began to react in anger, make character accusations towards the hiring manager, become defensive, and even cry, it’s likely that security would be called. The same should be true in dating. Disappointment is understandable, but anger or aggressive defensiveness in early dating is a massive red flag. Which brings me to the final point …
- Childhood trauma: We all have it to a degree. Some, like Jessica’s, is profound. Some, like I suspect Matthew’s and Chelsea’s, might be more subtle or less horrifying to consider because of its commonality. For that reason, we must treat this cast and each other with some compassion, understanding that adults will speak, behave, and react appropriately to the degree that they witnessed appropriate speaking, behavior, and reactions as children. Within this cast, and in our real lives, the ability to be in relationships with others does not depend upon having an idyllic upbringing, nor does having acute traumatic experiences preclude you from having a healthy relationship. What is required of each of us, regardless of our personal degree of trauma, is a continual sharpening of our awareness of how those early experiences show up in our lives today as adults.
Predictions (spoilers here):
- Clay is going to shit the bed and break AD’s heart. I imagine it will come in the form of cheating, general man-childness, but likely both.
- Jimmy finally sees Jessica and from that moment forward is done with Chelsea, whether he cops to it or not.
- If there is any fairness in the world, Trevor will sweep up what is left of Chelsea, and those two will live happily ever after with little mullet children.
- Laura and Jeramey will have some dark and nasty arguments, in which Laura will recover with ease and be perceived as a stone-cold assassin. This girl is not here for Jeramey or a relationship. She is here to launch her comedy career.
