This week, the Real Housewives of Miami are heading to Mexico for Pride! Larsa, of course, will be plopped into the hot seat by Guerdy and Alexia. Cannot wait to watch that! Viva Mexico!
The ladies are all heading to the airport except Nicole — since she has a job to do. Nicole will be joining the ladies later in the evening. She does not have access to her private jet, so she is slumming it on commercial. Julia and Kiki will be celebrating their birthdays while in Mexico City. Lisa, while driving in a Sprinter to the hotel, is trying to come to an agreement with Lenny before Monday on her divorce settlement. Guerdy shares that she got good news after her second surgery. She will still need chemo, but she is getting a three-week break to have fun.
The hotel they are staying at is the Mondrian Condesa in Mexico City. Alexia has a beautiful room with a great rooftop view of the city. She orders a spicy margarita for the group from the bartender. I say yes, please! Alexia shares they will be going on a gondola ride — but not like Venice. She wants to take them to the Cathedral to receive some blessings from Saint Guadalupe. Alexia thinks that Lisa could use some support, and Guerdy needs it during her cancer journey. Adriana will also be performing at the Pride festival thanks to Emilio Estefan.
While on the rooftop patio, Larsa tells Alexia that she hurt her feelings when she told her they only get invited when she is doing a promotional event for her stuff. She keeps throwing out that she does not have a Todd. Alexia is annoyed that she has no idea what Todd provides for her. Side note: Larsa might not have a Todd right now, but she had an NBA superstar, which amounted to a huge settlement and alimony. No one can empathize with this bloated dolt since she must be oozing brain cells when her fillers start deflating.
Marysol, who is melting in the Mexican heat, must look for some shade. She must be very dehydrated due to her heavy consumption of cockies. In her ITM, Kiki hilariously says that all she has is her dildo, which she rubs all over her and she had to buy, so quit b*tching. Larsa keeps saying she has no one, which makes no sense. She is dating Marcus, and she is not alone. Larsa whines she has two homes to maintain because her kids live in L.A. Well, don’t be bicoastal if you cannot afford it, you airhead. Larsa waddles off angry and bitter.
Kiki reflects on how Larsa could not come to her after-party for swim week. She sees her friend’s hypocrisy in everything she says. The other ladies are betting on who will win this b*tch fight. Marysol is dying, and her BFF is still bickering with Larsa. She has Adriana and Julia, who are not fans of hers, tending to her needs.
Adriana has brought Kiki, who is stunning in her white dress, and Julia to watch her perform with some dancers that Emilio has provided. She seems out of sorts, and I have no idea how this will come together in 24 hours with just one rehearsal. Kiki does not have confidence in these professional dancers either.
The other ladies are going to buy birthday cakes for Kiki and Julia. Lisa and Larsa, who are too important to be selfless, are so vapid they are climbing all over each other to find the best light for their selfies outside the bakery. Larsa mentions with pride that she and Marcus share their passcodes. She tries to convince us in her ITM it is for transparency. Sure it is, Larsa. Lisa laments that Lenny is playing games, telling her he will do something, and then he changes his mind when his lawyer gets involved. She mentions that Lenny is willing to build her a new home. Lisa thinks her situation is precarious right now.
Kiki and Guerdy chat about Adriana’s rehearsal in their hotel room. She mentions that Julia told her that Larsa said Guerdy has fake tears over her cancer. Guerdy is going to pop a b*tch, and she needs a lot of pins for that one, and she will need to back up since who knows what will seep out! In the hotel lobby, Marysol takes over the Rolls Royce bar so she can get her booze the way she wants it. She recovered fast from earlier when she was dying on the couch.
Larsa is still going on about her hustle and how no one has it as bad as her. She was married to a successful NBA player, and it is hard to sympathize with her. Larsa must have spent her settlement on her body enhancements. Kiki tells her that she goes to all her events, but she was a no-show for her modeling afterparty. Larsa goes on and on about needing antibiotics and having chills. She must have had a UTI from having sex five times a day. How can your body keep up with that schedule? Larsa then throws Kiki a bone, telling her she has a gift for her.
Kiki and Lisa talk about their sex lives and how they like kinky behavior. Julia asks about Marcus grabbing a girl’s a*s in an Orlando bar. Larsa claims they were not officially in a relationship. Julia has receipts that they were a couple when this happened. The ladies have dinner in an art gallery, and they are served by sexy men in bunny ears. I agree with the ladies that it is like Fifty Shades of Gray attended the Eyes Wide Shut party. Alexia tries to wrangle these ladies to appropriately thank the artist from the gallery who has put this together for them. There is talk of frog balls, but Alexia assures them it is short ribs, which do not resemble them IMO –just saying.
Larsa wants to play a game of Truth or Dare, but it is more Truth or Drink. I think I will drink along with them to this one. Poor Kiki gets a dare to play five minutes in the closet, but all the gentlemen are gay. They ask who has ever questioned their sexuality, and Lisa and Adriana share they have. Adriana quickly got over it when her ex had a fantasy about having sex with two men/women. She never did it and is not interested in “cavernous smelly things,” so that relationship was ended. Side note: Was it Frederick who suggested this?
Guerdy then asks Larsa, “Is it true that you actually brought up me having fake tears over my cancer recently in your podcast?” Larsa sees nothing wrong with this because she thinks everyone is fake like her. Marysol, in her ITM, knows this is a fight Larsa will never win, but she is too stupid to know when she has gone too far. Larsa, when cornered, is tired of being everyone’s punching bag. Well, get out of the ring then, and stop spouting ludicrous comments — like you are a broke b*tch.
The ladies should thank God for the pianist and the penises that are dancing around the room in their nude-colored boy shorts. This has caused a distraction to these two, who are embarrassing themselves by fighting in this odd place where there is so much to catch your eye. You know I am referring to the art, right? They decided to table the fighting to tomorrow, which I hope is not going to be at the cathedral. Next week, Adriana will be doing what she calls “performing,” so we have that to look forward to! Be well, Blurbers!
