Ferne McCann has revealed she had suicidal thoughts during the darkest periods of her depression - and claims her mental health battle began while filming The Only Way Is Essex.
The reality star, 34, became a household name when she joined TOWIE in 2013 thanks to her larger-than-life personality and fiery on-screen showdowns.
But behind the glamorous facade, Ferne says she was deeply unhappy - admitting she often cried after filming and felt overwhelmed by the demands of reality TV fame.
'I was depressed on that show,' she says. 'I was showing up as this real bitchy character, when that wasn't me. I don't like confrontation.
'I was pretending and getting amongst it to get the airtime because I wanted that fame... but I was so down. I would literally just cry.'
Speaking live at a Trouble Club talk in North London on Wednesday night, she continued: 'It was savage. It was intense. It was really hard.'
Ferne McCann has revealed she had suicidal thoughts during the darkest periods of her depression - and claims her mental health battle began while filming The Only Way Is Essex
The reality star became a household name when she joined TOWIE in 2013 thanks to her larger-than-life personality and fiery on-screen showdowns (pictured on the show in 2014)
Ferne, who shares seven-year-old daughter Sunday with her ex, jailed acid attacker Arthur Collins, and 22-month-old daughter Finty with her fiancé Lorri Haines, sought help from the on-set mental health team - but was shocked when the suggested solution was medication, rather than stepping away from the show.
'I remember speaking to the team and the psych[iatrist] said, "Have you thought about antidepressants?" she recalled. 'Now, I’m not against them - there’s a place for them - but for me, it was like, how is that the first thing?'
She adds: 'There was a position called cast liaison and I was like, "These producers, there must have been a module," because I didn't go to university or anything like that. I was like, "there must have been a module where it was like the art of manipulation".
'Because I'd be like, "I'm not doing it. I'm ot going in that scene. I'm not saying that!" And they'd be like, "but you're so good at it." And they'd keep you in a room. It's not like that now on TOWIE.'
Ferne left the show in 2016 after three tumultuous years, and later went on to appear in I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! where she won over the public by showing her true, softer side.
But she admits the damage to her mental health had already been done - and it would take years of therapy to begin to heal.
'I’ve had seven years of therapy now,' she said. 'I found myself in a really dark place - very, very low and dealing with anxiety... and having suicidal thoughts at one stage in my life.'
Ferne’s experience on TOWIE also coincided with the explosive rise of Twitter, now X, meaning trolling and public judgement were inescapable.
But behind the glamorous facade, Ferne says she was deeply unhappy - admitting she often cried after filming and felt overwhelmed by the demands of reality TV fame
'People had opinions on how I looked, how I spoke, how I behaved,' she said. 'It was like overnight success that I really struggled with'
'People had opinions on how I looked, how I spoke, how I behaved,' she said. 'It was like overnight success that I really struggled with.
'That was when trolling really started. That was when I started to struggle with my mental health.'
Today, Ferne says she feels very different in her approach to life - calmer, more grounded, and determined to use her platform for good.
'I did have a breakdown, but I needed it,' she says. '[Therapy] was the best decision that I've ever ever ever made because now I feel like a changed person. I'm so different in the way I approach and handle tough times, good times.
'I've calmed and instead of reacting, I respond and I really take my time and I feel very grateful for going through those really dark moments to then go and meet with a therapist and now get to where I am today. I've been on a real healing journey.
'Healing isn't linear, and s***'s gonna happen, but I can't imagine my life without the really tough times because it's shaped who I am.'
After stepping back from reality TV and ending her long-running ITVBe series First Time Mum last year after 13 seasons, Ferne is now focusing on helping others.
Ferne left the show in 2016 after three tumultuous years, and later went on to appear in I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! (pictured), where she showed her true, softer side
Ferne shares seven-year-old daughter Sunday with her ex, Arthur Collins, and 22-month-old daughter Finty with her fiancé Lorri Haines (pictured with Haines and her two children)
'We're about to launch a podcast which I'm really excited about,' she said. 'I don't want to give away the name because that sort of spoils the launch, but it's based on mental health and what I've been through.'
She added she now takes each day as it comes. 'Everyone asks me, am I going to have more kids? I am really looking forward to just focusing on my passions.'
Her passions still include reality TV. 'I'd love to do Strictly - I'm such a fan of the show. We sit down and watch it as a family,' she admits.
'I love the Masked Singer as well. You could almost just hide behind this massive costume and just give a good old karaoke session.'
As for her advice to others on their mental health journey, she says: 'Be true to who you are and surround yourself with people that genuinely care about you.
'Therapy has played a massive part in my mental health journey and meditation - sitting in stillness and prayer and just being able to connect with yourself. I think you find that through being with yourself.'
If you are suffering from depression, call Samaritans free on 116 123.
Today, Ferne says she feels very different in her approach to life - calmer, more grounded, and determined to use her platform for good
After stepping back from reality TV and ending her long-running ITVBe series First Time Mum last year after 13 seasons, Ferne is now focusing on helping others
