The ladies of the Real Housewives of Miami are heading to the Bahamas this week. The title of the episode is “Brujeria in the Bahamas,” so expect some evil eyes, and they better be packing some healing crystals to ward off those evil spirits.
Alexia will be leaving Frankie with someone named Tamara, and Todd will be there after work. She mentions that he can see his father, Pedro, aka Cocaine Cowboy. She prefers to call his incarceration “school” in lieu of camp like her Jersey counterpart. Pedro has received five years for conspiracy and another five years on drug charges. Alexia thinks Pedro is a good influence on her boys, and I am officially speechless! Marysol claims to have COVID, so she will not be with her Bro-Alexia. She cannot believe that she contracted it since she is a homebody, and she suspects someone is out to get her.
One day before the trip, Julia wants something to protect herself from Larsa, and she visits a botanica shop to get her some peace crystals. Adriana and Julia both agree they need to select a special crystal for Alexia since she has a penchant for digging but not scrolling for dirt. We then get some foreboding clips between Alexia and Adriana. It looks like our RHOM ladies are going to be stirring up evil spirits, and no crystals are going to be able to ward off that bad energy!
They will be traveling to Nassau, Bahamas, with its turquoise waters. This gorgeous island was ravaged by Hurricane Dorian in 2019 and then Isaias in August 2020. I am happy to see the island has been able to recover from back-to-back hurricanes. They are staying at Baha Mar in the presidential suites.
Julia and Adriana are sharing a suite (no surprise there), and the rooms look beautiful. Their room is even outfitted with a movie theater. Julia is arranging her crystals to pass out to everyone. She thinks her blinds are possessed since they are opening and closing by themselves.
Larsa and Kiki are rooming together, and I cannot help but think that Kiki drew a short straw. Can you imagine having to share a bathroom or just a mirror with Larsa? Nicole and Guerdy are sharing with Lisa, who gets the master bedroom upstairs. Adriana gets encouraged to jump in their tub, but she will not be flashing her boobies without dollars. Larsa will pay her to keep her boob shots to herself. There may be people that would offer Larsa the same thing. Alexia has a room by herself since Marysol is not there. She shows the room to Marysol on FaceTime, and she is suffering from some FOMO.
The ladies have agreed that every time Lenny is said, you must take a drink. Lisa arrives, and she shares that the kids are with her mother-in-law — with a nanny to assist. She wants to take her kids to Disney World and admits she is a kid at heart. The Lenny counter is going off since Lisa cannot stop herself from mentioning Lenny. Guerdy offers to help Lisa plan a birthday party. Lisa is so happy that she did not have to fight over the room. She sees something on the charcuterie board and thinks it is penis-shaped. Nicole is happy that she is open to seeing D even if it looks like a micro-penis. Lisa reflects on having had the same micro penis for 15 years.
Alexia, Nicole, Kiki, and Guerdy go on the water slide. Adriana, Larsa, Lisa, and Julia decide to relax in the sun and eat. Alexia calls them the Golden Girls since they are not partaking in the water sports. Larsa, who must not be able to pull herself away from a mirror or her phone, has never heard of the show The Golden Girls? She believes they are referencing them as golden girls — since they are tan.
I love the juxtaposition of the two scenes with Adriana yawning and the other ladies getting into the water slides and the wave pool. Adriana tells Lisa that she can understand how she feels. She nails it when she says a man finds a shiny new toy and all of their promises to their ex go out the window.
The ladies get ready to go out to dinner in great style. Nicole is taking charge of the games because she wants them to be fun and interesting — unlike Marysol, who likes to add a level of nastiness to her games. These ladies are really pampered at this resort with butlers and bartenders. I love the golden Flamingos filled with Moscow mules. YES PLEASE! Nicole cheers to new beginnings and having a great time together. I love the hospitality of the Bahamians, and if you have never been there, I highly recommend it.
Julia shared that she went to the botanica shop, which is a Cuban spiritual place, and she got something for everyone. Alexia mentions that Marysol didn’t come because she thinks someone put some witchcraft on her. Marysol thinks that because she hasn’t been feeling her mother’s presence and she’s put on weight, she must have a hex on her. She doesn’t attribute any of it to all the alcohol she’s been drinking. All of the ladies get healing crystals, but Alexia does not want her crystals. Alexia feels creeped out and thinks all her bad luck in the past was from someone who put an evil eye on her. She does not think being married to a drug dealer might have something to do with it…
The seafood tower with all the sparklers arrives, and the presentation is amazing. The ladies decide to play a fun, light-hearted card game. One of the questions is, “Who would be the most ashamed of their porn search history?” Adriana gets called out, but she thinks she is pretty tame since she likes mom and dad stuff — and some DP (double penetration). Would someone please tell Julia what DP stands for! She asks in her ITM, and she hears crickets. Nicole tries to explain it in her ITM — but she recommends you do not Google it at work.
Adriana impersonates Julia and believes she is a Russian version of Julia Child. Sex injuries are the next topic, and Nicole shares how she threw her neck out of whack while giving Anthony a blow job. Adriana gets questioned about her guy, and she shares that Thierry is MIA. They are no longer since his marital status was questioned. Adriana never got some D since he did not make it to the four-month rule before he hit the road.
Alexia, Nicole, Guerdy, and Kiki do some flamingo yoga, which looks fun, but I would watch out so they do not poop on their yoga mat. Julia asked Larsa if Alexia suspects her of putting some witchcraft on Marysol. Alexia believes she’s had the bad eye on her for a while. She doesn’t have bad intentions — but somehow that bad eye has been following her.
The Golden Girls are at the spa getting massages. Lisa shares that Logan is struggling with the divorce. He is now saying he’ll never get married or go to summer camp. The nanny threw on some Bob Marley music and played, “Don’t worry everything’s going to be OK,” and that helped to calm Logan. Larsa is getting a massage while laying on her side. Is the therapist trying to work out the lumps in her a*s? Larsa, who hears the conversation about Alexia, is keeping her true thoughts to herself. In her ITM, she says Adriana likes to play the victim, and Alexia is a good friend to everybody.
Julia pulls Guerdy aside to share the news that she and Martina are trying to adopt a baby. Guerdy and Julia have both lost babies, so they feel they are kindred spirits. Adriana tells Alexia that she is resentful of her calling her a liar. They have a lot of history, and Alexia was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Adriana feels like Alexia and Marysol have ousted her from their friend group. She became closer to Julia since she was pushed out. Alexia thinks that Julia has put a wedge between them. Adriana has concluded that Alexia and Marysol egg each other on, to her detriment.
Marysol arrives — I almost felt Jill Zarin vibes when she showed up and Ramona and Bethenny totally ignored her. She comes with her bullhorn and announces she is ready to party. Adriana looks disappointed since she knows having Alexia and Marysol together spells trouble for her. She says, “Here we go again!” We then get a to-be-continued.
Next week, it looks like tensions will flare, and Adriana and Alexia’s truce will be tossed like a flamethrower. I hope you Blurbers are having a great week, and enjoy our upcoming Super Bowl weekend.
